The Purge

“This is not a test, this is your Emergency Broadcast System. Announcing the commencement of the annual purge sanctioned by the U.S. Government. Weapons of class four and lower have been authorized for use during the purge. All other weapons are restricted. Government officials of ranking 10 have been granted immunity and shall not be harmed. Commencing at the siren, any and all crime (including murder) will be legal for 12 continuous hours. Police, fire, and Emergency Medical services will be unavailable until tomorrow morning at 7:00 a.m. When the purge concludes. Blessed be our new founding fathers and America… A nation reborn.”

  • Streets littered with mattress labels and a giraffe tied to a pole, let’s stroll through some of our nation’s laws that may make the list in the next installment of this franchise. Mostly likely not, but these are hilarious!
  • Alaska, we know you’ve been waiting! During the purge, get that luggage securely in your overhead compartments because you CAN push a moose out of an airplane!
  • Arizona, you CAN manufacture imitation cocaine (There is no typo in this statement) and when you’re done, you will be allowed to finally play a round of cards in the streets with a Native American!
  • And in Kentucky, animals can partake in some law breaking too! Our four legged dog buddy’s will have the right to have their way with a vehicle!!
  • Heading up north to the great state of Massachusetts, children not only will able to smoke but, on purge night, they can purchase the cigarettes too. Also, all you Quakers and witches wanting to visit, your ban is lifted!
  • Nebraska, if you can somehow make it happen, you can whale hunt on this night. But please record it because no idea how you’re gonna pull it off, but the point is you can! You never know, you could be the next Ft. Lauderdale!
  • Missouri, head out to the liquor store and grab some beer because tonight, you CAN get an elephant drunk!
  • Washington State, grab your beef jerky cause tonight you CAN harass Bigfoot, Sasquatch or other undiscovered subspecies!
  • “Get your ass out of the bathtub”… Well hell no you don’t on purge night Georgia! You CAN leave your donkey in the tub tonight!

So blessed be our new founding fathers and America… A nation reborn and abundant with laws that make complete sense!

Do your duty and go see ‘The Purge: Election Year’ this weekend.

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